Four miles into a long run with just a few weeks to go until the London Marathon, I sat on a bench sobbing.
I can't remember whether I had a total distance in mind for that run, but at four miles I felt like I couldn't go any more. And if I couldn't do four miles, how on earth was I going to be able do 26.2 in a few Sunday's time. I was panicking, nervous and every other synonym you care to think of. My first marathon was on the horizon, I didn't really know what I letting myself in for and I felt completely out of my depth.
I finished that day's running pulling together around 8 miles in total, crying a bit more during the rest of the run and again at the end. Crying and running was a common training technique for me back then.
Today, March 2023
This morning's run didn't go to plan. And when I say plan, I use the term loosely. Now deep into the countdown for my fourth marathon, I've been making the plan up as I go along somewhat, just doing my best to ensure the long runs get a bit longer as the weeks go on.
And it's been going alright. My total weekly mileage has been creeping up, I've been disciplined with getting the mid-week miles in and commited to keeping myself fresh for the Sunday morning long runs. But for some reason this morning I just really wasn't feeling it. Every route I thought of had some aspect I wasn't keen on, the return of the chilly and grey weather made my mood feel a bit rubbish, and the thought of pounding the pavements for hours really wasn't appealing.
To be honest, 2018 Kay would probably have skipped the run completely if I felt like that. Or I'd have set off and got so wrapped up in my own head in the first 100 meters that I'd burst into tears and abandon the run a couple of minutes in.
But I set about it with a rough route planned and a good podcast to listen to, determined to plod through and get it done.
I spent the first mile with some friends chatting, then waved them off enviously as they took the 5km route option while I had a long slog ahead of me.
Marathon training is never about smashing the pace records and today was no different. I just needed to keep going!
Eventually I reached Ruddington and wound my way through the village towards the country park. The idea I had in my head was to break the total distance down by getting up to the park, then ticking off a few kms while there before starting to make my way home, tallying up at least 13 (13.1 if we're being specific) miles in total.
I got to around five miles and did something I don't very often do now, I walked. (Again, a huge change from 2018 and something I could write a whole blog post about). Once I started walking, I realised I really didn't fancy running anymore. I did have a few little tries but I'd had enough. I dragged myself through to 10km then stopped my watch. I didn't know what I was going to do next, but I was calling it a day for this long run. No drama, no tears, just at peace with the fact that today wasn't the day for a big long run. And that was fine.
Being the Strava wanker that I am, I set my watch back on to walk mode and wandered around a bit thinking about what to do next, I still needed to get home afterall. As luck would have it, the demise of my long run co-insided perfectly with the semi-regular bus schedule so in no time at all I was safely back on the number 10 heading for home.
All the while, I really couldn't believe how fine. And that's what really got me thinking, and inspired me to write something. After all these years, you kind of expect it to be the times you smash PBs, or feel strong or just bloody revel in it, that define you as a decent runner. But today I've realised it's quite the opposite, actually. Because they're the easy ones to some extent. Being able to have a run that is pretty shit on paper, and feel unshaken, undeterred and no-less motivated for the rapidly approaching marathon. That's what's really made me realise my entire attitude and approach to running has changed for the better.
So what's next?
Today's epiphany doesn't take away from the fact that it's seven weeks until the London Marathon and every mile I complete will make the main event a little less awful.
Next week was supposed to be a drawback week (for those who don't know, every few weeks in a training block, you drop the mileage a bit to let your body recover). So I need to tweak a few things to still get some decent mileage in while also navigating a weekend away and some sub-zero temperatures. I'll sort it though, I've come back from much worse runs before now.
One final thing
The London Marathon isn't just a training challenge. Myself and Des are also raising funds for a fantastic charity, Childhood First. If you are able to support us, we'd really appreciate it. It really does make a huge difference when the going gets tough! You can visit our fundraising page here, thank you!!
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